Zombies, right?

So, yah, Gabe tagged me with the Zombie meme. You’re in a mall, there are zombies. Pick your music, your partner, and your hardware.

So, I go in opposite direction.

Gun: Gunzzzzz. I get General George S. Patton’s ivory handled revolvers (“Only a New Orleans pimp would carry a pearl handled gun!), a .45 and a .357 Magnum. They are truly mighty, in terms of being the archetypical sidearm. Sure, you run the risk of running out of ammo. But I lack the upper body strength to swing a shaolin spade for too long.

Guy: Untouchable George Stone, as portrayed by Andy Garcia. Seriously, remember the scene in the train station? I got ‘em, indeed! Pow!

Toonz: Because I am predictable and and boring, Ace of Spades by Motorhead.

I tag YOU, true believer.

In which wikipedia’s impartiality is possibly damaged

From Jully Black’s Wikipedia entry:

On July the first (Canada Day) she sang at Mackenzie Glen Park in Maple, Ontario. The event was free and she did a wonderful job singing.

She did, did she? That’s wonderful.

Things that are awesome

A) There is a website, www.roadsideamerica.com, that catalogues various roadside attractions throughout the United States of America. Neil Gaiman would plotz.

B) They have a listing for ;The Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota. That’s right, the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota.

In which I discuss comic books, including the endings OR Spoilers? I got ‘em

The last isue of Joss Whedon’s Runaways arc came out yesterday (JAY DUB!) and, as is my habit, I read the series at once to see how well it holds together.

The age of the Trade Paperback (although they’re usually putting them together as hardcovers, because they’re more expensive) is one I’m of two minds about.

Reading something in a trade that’s written that way can be a lot of fun. Reading the single issues, not so much. A single issue that’s part of a larger arc can often feel like a small part of a story. Like you’re reading a single chapter of a book (which you kind of are).

The Brubaker Captain America stories are some of the worst offenders. Reading them in single issues, they move forward slowly, and then seems to lurch forward. It’s definitely a story that needs to be read as a whole, since the plot advances like a larger story. Thankfully, he tells the stories well enough that you don’t mind the pacing or the fact he’s killing characters off or bringing dead ones back.

The Whedon Runaways stories were like that. The story took the titular runaways and threw them back to the dawn of the 20th Century. Anyone remember when travelling back 100 years meant cowboys? Good times! At least we weren’t subjected to Runaways Vs The Kids (Rawhide, Two Gun, and -Colt).

The Runaways hook up with some early 20th C supers, called Wonders in that early day. There’s a large number of them created, with a variety of factions on all sides of the law. Whedon makes the super-citizens of 1907 New York an interesting bunch. To be honest, it struck me as a neater setting than the 1602 one Gaiman created, since it does more with the Marvel setting than the Elizabethan translation did. I can honestly say I’d like to see some more stories told in Marvel Universe at the dawn of the 20th century.

The story reads much better as a complete unit, although there are still gaps in the story filled in by verbal exposition. The story leaves the heroes back where they were, but changed, with one new member from the past, so it’ll be neat to see the culture shock of that particular storyline. Apparently Runaways is rebooting again, so we’ll see where they take that.

Last week also saw the release of the tenth and final Y: The Last Man trade. Y has been a very enjoyable series (and one that my FLCS has found to be a good seller), and the finale was strong, if not exactly what I was hoping for. Yorick, the eponymous last man, does not get the happy ending we’d been hoping for.

It seems rather cruel to send him around the world on a pair of quests, and to have one succeed in spite of him, and the other be such a total failure. Vaughn described the book as “the last boy on Earth becomes the last Man on Earth”, and Yorick ends up suffering quite a bit in his journey.

The end sees him denied both of his true loves, and spending the rest of his life with the mother of his daughter ‘for the children’.

I mean, wow.

Vaughn’s worldbuilding is one of the best parts of the books; he played with stats to see what a world where the men just vanished one day would look like. For example, what countries have enough women under arms to still have a military? Who would be President of the US? What would happen to planes when 94% of pilots die on the spot?

That’s just the starting point, of course. Midwestern Militias and House Republicans all find themselves changed in the wake of the Gendercide. I wonder what ends up happening to the Klan? It seems to be a fairly patriarchal organization. Gaming cons will likely become much smaller.

Man, imagine the adventures of a group of SF fans in the world of Y? I can see enough authors to produce material, but would there be enough readers?

Foolish speculation, in any case. The ending was not satisfying, personally. I can see it eliciting more than a few boos if they keep it for the cinematic adaptation. You have to admire Vaughn for his bravery for ending the story that way, even if it does rob the audience of a certain satisfaction.

 

 

An amusing Lie I Told My Classmates

This past weekend’s reunion/BBQ was a big ‘ol ball of fun/neurosis for me.

To combat any possibility of boredom, I thought about inventing a variety of fake jobs to tell people I was doing. Of course, I got lazy, so I abandoned the plan.

Until I got to the party, and someone asked me what I did. I present to you: My half of the conversation.

The Bitter Guide to: Lying to people you haven’t seen in years!

Oh, I’m a QA tester for a horse semen exporter.

Primarily by using an electron microscope to test for motility. *

But you can also check by taste.** Quality HJ (oh, that’s a technical term we use***) has a nutty flavour to it.

We sell by quality more than quantity. Easier on the horses that way. We have two Queen’s Plate winners in our stables, and a pair of horses who Showed in the Kentucky Derby. They don’t call it that anymore, because the state of Kentucky has imposed license fees on the word “Kentucky”.****

Occasionally they’ll ask me to help with harvesting. No, no, I just help by stimulating the prostate. You really have to get in there. It’s a lot like checking an apple for freshness.

Most guys use gloves, but I think that ruins the sensation.

Are you okay? You look kind of green? Can I get you something to drink?

*A lie. I presume you wouldn’t need an electron microscope, as a regular one would probably do the trick.

** Another lie. Although any actual horse semen testers out there are free to contradict me.

*** Short for “Horse Jizz”.

**** Another lie, but this one was originally told by Snopes, so I don’t feel too bad.

The worst part was several of my co-workers were very, very interested in my fake job. I kind of wish I really did that. Or something that interesting.

 

The Bitter Guy Goes to the Doctor

Scene: A Doctor’s Office. THE DOCTOR stands centre, reading a clipboard.

THE BITTER GUY enters.

THE DOCTOR :
Why, hello there, Bitter Guy! What can I do for you.

THE BITTER GUY
(coughs theatrically)
Well, doc, I seem to have a bit of a cough.

THE DOCTOR :
(brandishes stethescope)
Let’s have a listen!

THE DOCTOR places the stethescope against THE BITTER GUY ‘s chest. He moves it around a couple times and then his face goes grim.

Oh My God.

THE BITTER GUY
That bad, Doc?

THE DOCTOR :
Nah, I just realized while listening to your chest that the universe is cold and uncaring and any action we take is just an unwinnable battle against entropy.
(beat)
But you do have a chest infection. So I’m going to give you antibiotics.

(THE DOCTOR reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bottle of pills and hands it to THE BITTER GUY)

THE BITTER GUY
Thanks, Doc!

THE BITTER GUY exits. THE BITTER GUY re-enters, wearing a different shirt and gingerly holding his throat.

THE DOCTOR :
Hey, Bitter Guy! How did those Antibiotics work out for you?

THE BITTER GUY
Fine, doc, but now I have a weird soreness in my throat and the back of my mouth.

THE DOCTOR looks into The Bitter Guy’s mouth. He reaches in and pulls out a mushroom.

THE DOCTOR
Yep, you’ve got a fungal infection. It’s a common side effect of the antibiotics. Here, take this mouthwash and it should clear up.

(THE DOCTOR reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bottle of liquid and hands it to THE BITTER GUY )

THE BITTER GUY
Thanks, Doc!

THE BITTER GUY exits. THE BITTER GUY re-enters, wearing a different shirt and with a large bulge in his pants.

THE DOCTOR :
Hey, Bitter Guy! How did that mouthwash work out for you?

THE BITTER GUY
Fine, Doc, but now I’ve got a case of priapism.

THE DOCTOR
Holy Crap. Do you ever. Okay, I’m gonna give you a hormone shot, that should take care of it.

THE DOCTOR takes out a syringe and shoots it into THE BITTER GUY’s arm.

THE BITTER GUY
Thanks, Doc!

THE BITTER GUY exits. THE BITTER GUY re-enters, wearing a different shirt with wet circles on his chest.

THE DOCTOR :
(looks at THE BITTER GUY’s crotch)
Hey, Bitter Guy! I see that shot cleared up the priapism!

THE BITTER GUY
Yeah, doc, but now I’m lactating.

THE DOCTOR
You certainly are! I’ll give you another shot for that.

THE BITTER GUY
Another shot? What’s this one?

THE DOCTOR
It’s Ebox. You know how Botox is derived from Botulism toxin, one of the most lethal poisons in the animal kingdom?

(THE DOCTOR and THE BITTER GUY tun to audience)

BOTH:

It’s true, folks!

THE DOCTOR
Well, this is derived from Ebola.

THE BITTER GUY
What? Is that even possible? Are you sure it’s safe?

THE DOCTOR
Most of the time.

THE BITTER GUY
Well, anything’s better than oozing milk out of my nipples. Although it will make preparing my morning tea a little more difficult.

THE DOCTOR gives THE BITTER GUY a shot in the arm

THE BITTER GUY
Thanks, Doc!

THE BITTER GUY exits. THE BITTER GUY re-enters, with his face and clothing covered in blood.

THE DOCTOR
Hey, Bitter Guy. I see the lactating has stopped.

THE BITTER GUY
Yeah, Doc, but now I’m bleeding uncontrollably.

THE DOCTOR
Oh, that’s a side effect of of the Ebox. It’s liquifying your internal organs.

THE BITTER GUY
(agape)
Jesus! Can you give give me something for that?

THE DOCTOR
Nope, In fact, you’ll probably drop dead in about…
(checks watch)
two seconds

THE BITTER GUY
Why you son of a
(dies)

THE BITTER GUY stands, and he and THE DOCTOR take hands, bow towards the audience, and EXIT.

Because I’m what the kids call “easily bored”…

And because it’s long and cold between seasons of Lost this year, I present an open letter to Darleton vis a vis season 4.

The Denton Incident

In the mid-70s, a small town in the heart of Texas was host to one of the horrific alien incursions on record.

The aliens claimed to be European, and had taken up residence in a sprawling estate on the outside of the town. The aliens, who were either humanoid in shape or able to assume/imitate human shapes.

The experiments they performed included cloning, and transfering half of a local hustler’s brain into the clone’s body.

After a local couple interrupted the culmination of the bioengineering experiments, the evening’s festivities included a session of brainwashing and sexual assault on them by the leader of the aliens in which he attempted to unleash their id, the wild and untamed side of their personalities.

During that night, after the intervention of a local UFOlogist who revealed their origins, the second in command of the mission assassinated his leader (supposedly on orders from their superiors) during a late night swim/orgy, and left the planet, taking the mansion with them and leaving the human surivors behind, dazed and crawling like insects on the planet’s face.

Hello world! (generic title retained because it amuses me)

Hello world. That’s funny.

I will be using this only to comment on cool people’s blogs. My primary blehg will still be thebitterguy.livejournal.com.